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seventeen weeks, two days

July 8, 2019

that's how long it's been since i've posted anything. seventeen weeks. that's a LONG time. i'm sorry to have been so absent. i haven't had anything new to say.

i spent much of march and april fighting a hellacious and tenacious sinus infection. it was so severe it caused significant bouts of vomiting. i was unthrilled. i've never been that sick for that long in my life. i'd started to worry it was something more severe, but no... it's just allergies.

i've rejoined bumble. because i'm an idiot. glutton for punishment. i actually drove to katy to meet a guy last weekend. i drove. something's wrong with this, right? when... W H E N is a guy i find interesting going to think enough of me to make the effort? when am i going to get a damned clue that if I'M the one making the effort, he's not worth the time and energy. WHY, W H Y do always, A L W A Y S feel as though i've to convince a dude of my worth.

and, goddammit, i have value.

of course there are those dudes who make the effort, and the words that come out of their mouths are so wrong... and then i feel guilty for being so judgmental. i don't need a man to impress me with this exhaustive, fifty-dollar-word vocabulary. i've spent years studying english and creative writing from some of the finest professors in the state, and one of the first rules they teach you in writing is don't use fifty-dollar words when fifty-cent ones will do. if you use fancy schmancy words in dialogue, i'm going to assume you're a pretentious son of a bitch, and i don't need that kind of man in my life. on the other hand, if you spell words like later like l8r, i'm going to assume you're a lazy son of a bitch, and i don't need that kind of man in my life, either.

i keep doing this. i keep hoping it will be different, and it never is.

see? nothing new. but it's been seventeen weeks and two days... i didn't want yall to think i'd forgotten about you or that i'd disappeared. i'm here.