nine days

October 21, 2018

i feel the need to preface this with the following: i do NOT need to be saved; i do NOT NEED a man to love me. my parents raised me to be self-sufficient, and with the exception of the pathetic excuse of a bank account that is my checking, i'm pretty good at standing on my own two feet. if i can't pay the bills some months because the jobs i've held haven't been the best paying ones, i'm not afraid to ask for their help, and i'm blessed they can give it. i'm an independent, incredibly strong woman. i can hang with pain. i've had bones broken, cut up and reattached; i battle those godawful mental demons referenced in this post. most of the time i'm comfortable in my solitude. i like not having to share, and i feel like when you're involved in a romantic relationship, there's a whole lot of sharing going on. much as i want to know what it's like to have a man hold you while you fall asleep, and though it shames me to say i've never known that, i have the bed to myself. it's a pretty soft bed, dressed in its return of the jedi sheets.

i would rather live out the rest of my days as a single woman than have to date another man like those i've dated in the past. seriously. SERIOUSLY.

i replied: no. i think i'm looking for a man who's as good to me as my father is to my mother. and these are the kind of men i've known. god forbid i should settle for a man like those in that post when i damned well know that in the world today there are men like this:

side note: i wish to GOD they'd included this scene in a knight's tale rather than that STUPID dancing bit.

and don't tell me that men like those portrayed by alan tudyk, mark addy, paul bettany and james purefoy don't exist. i've known quite a few of them in my lifetime. the trouble is they get snatched up pretty quick. and the girls they find, they know how to hold their men.

i don't. a couple of weeks ago, i started talking with a couple of men my age, neither of whom are texas residents, and i know that most likely nothing will come of it. one of these boys seems to be like every other boy i've known, so i don't really care if anything develops there. but the other one, i've enjoyed talking to him. he has some pretty fantastical tales. i told a friend about him, that i thought he was fantastical, and she said she wished someone would describe her that way. it's a cool descriptor, right? i like it so much more than beautiful.

there's a scene in the film life itself in which a young dylan dempsey says she wants to live a big, great, fantastical life. who wouldn't want that, right? and yet so often we tell ourselves that that's what books and movies are for. they let us have the great, big, fantastical for a couple of hours, and then we go back to the ordinary.

life itself is too unrealistic. when harry met sally is. we're not supposed to strive to attain love like in the movies because it's too fairy-tale-ish.

but i've seen love like that. in real life. i know it exists. i know it. 

that boy i've liked talking to, he asked me nine days ago why i was single. he couldn't understand how i could be, and i can't remember all the reasons he'd said why not (which kind of sucks... but then i know all the reasons i shouldn't be single, so...). the one i do remember though is that he'd said i seem to have a heart of gold.

he's said a lot of pretty things actually. like how he just wants to hold me--i've not had a man say that to me since i was in college--and keep me safe. i've never had a man say that to me. not once. and no, i don't need a man to do this, but i do love the idea that one would want to do this for me. it's a beautiful thing. gorgeous.

why am i single? maybe it's because i put too much stock into the things men say. maybe comments like that are more off-hand for them, or more in the moment. maybe it's because love is too fragile a thing for strong, yet clumsy hands. maybe it's because i'm too aggressive. i don't waste time on people who don't matter to me. i don't believe in doing that. i think if you find someone who interests you, you're supposed to invest yourself, and maybe i come on too strong, but i can't help that. i'm a strong woman. i know what i want, and when i meet men, i'm going to take the time to determine whether i should take the time. once i've decided that i shouldn't, i stop. once i've decided that i should, they disappear.

the day he'd asked me why i was single, i'd just gotten to pelican cove, a place on lake conroe, where i was meeting my brother, his wife and my parents to celebrate my older brother's birthday.

he asked me this on jon's day. i just realized that today. and the moment i realized it, i remembered hearing my brother's voice all those years ago saying i'll find you someone.

maybe i'm single because i romanticize things. or maybe i'm single because i'm crazy. or maybe i'm single because, like the plaque a friend gave me for christmas one year declares, i am a jedi knight. we're not suppose to love.

but for nine days, all i've been able to think about is this man and the things he's said.

1 comment :

  1. There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay single.