tuesday topics: one. thing that scares you

May 30, 2017

i'd hoped to have a really good one thing for this particular post. i'd been mulling over what that one thing would be and decided that what i'd most like for it to be is get a tattoo similar to the one my younger brother has on his calf: a sunset scene of the marker where my older brother is buried. instead of a headstone, my parents chose a granite bench. when they go to colorado--my brother is buried in my mother's family's cemetery--she and my father like to get coffee, go sit on the bench and visit. i imagine they talk to him, tell him about what we're doing, what bambam and shazam are doing, what plans we all have... i imagine it helps them. i imagine it helps my brother to have that picture of the bench and the trees and the sky just before the sun falls below our horizon. i was thinking i'd like to have one like his, but on the other leg (i think his is on the left, so i'd want mine on the right) and at sunrise with a mourning dove. 

of course, i'm not employed right now, and i'd only considered the potential pain that would ensue... not the time it would take (which would be lengthy) or the amount of money it would necessitate. so... one day... i will have that. but for now...

ultimately the thing i most fear is actually fear itself. and my mind likes to imagine all kinds of tragedies... all kinds of hell. and it's the worst for me at night when i climb the stairs and get ready for bed... that is my least favorite time of day. because it's the bed my parents bought for me when i was in high school, in the room i've had for more than three decades, and i'll crawl into it every night and pray that one day this won't be the case, that i'll have a home of my own, and i won't have to take something to help me sleep because there'll be someone with me to hold me while i drift off... i've never known what that's like. i've slept with a man before, but it's never been sweet like i've seen in the movies and read in the books... and i keep thinking surely it's like that in real life sometimes... it must be so peaceful... and hot, literally. yes, i'm sure there's that, too. anyway... it's not a prayer i vocalize all that often, but it's there in the back of my mind. always. so i do things to make it as bearable as i can, like buying all the star wars sheets. like the flannel ones shown below, even though the high's getting to be in the mid-nineties here on a daily basis ('bye spring! thanks for hanging out in southeast texas for so long). flannel because right now i'm needing the softness. and the room's in chaos so often because that's the last place i want to be... in that room by myself with only my thoughts for company. and this is how it goes. every day. every. day. and i'm a little too sure that it's going to continue to be the case for all my days.

1 comment :

  1. There are time in life in which there are no words that can be expressed in response to something. For me, this is one of those times. I wish you peace.