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the things i wish i could say

May 3, 2017

not this week but the one before that, one of the gems in the lecture of that bible study i'm doing was something like set a guard against my lips... or something like that.

so often the words come out of my mouth and i end up kicking myself for saying the wrong thing: you stupid, stupid cow. what the fuck's wrong with you? and then i'm kicking myself because dammit, jenn! this is what you SHOULD have said...

every day is like this. EVERY fucking day. i'm like meg ryan in you've got mail. i'm confident that were i to imagine the penultimate zinger, i'd heartily regret using it.

like today... i went by my eye doctor's to get the frames of my reading glasses adjusted. there's a nice row of parking spaces that are designated for compact cars... like my lil' two-door coupe. could i park in any of them? why, no i could not. why? because they were filled with four-door luxury sedans and sport utility vehicles. the driver of a white lexus sedan came damned close to backing into my car. i had to honk at her to get her to stop. i think she had it in her mind that my lil' nissan was a peon and that i'd move. no, bitch. i want that parking space that's DESIGNATED for compact cars like mine. so let me back up before you plow into me so i can have it. i live in stepford, yall. it's hell here.

i go in, get my glasses adjusted it. i was so annoyed by the near miss that when i came out to find the driver of another suv parking in one of those spaces that i stopped, waited for him to roll his window down and pointed to the white stripe with the black letters COMPACT ONLY. he thanked me, with great sarcasm, for helping him out. i kept walking, my back to him, raised a hand and called out good to know you can read. amazingly enough, he backed out and parked elsewhere. i wasn't going to say anything, yall. i swear i wasn't. i knew i shouldn't. but the words they rush out of my mouth sometimes before i can catch them.

when i told one of my friends about this exchange, she told me not to tussle with the natives. she's right. i know better. you can't fix stupid.

which is my point. most of the time i'm pretty stupid. and the height of that stupidity comes in interacting with guys... so i'm on match again, and since renewing my membership three weeks ago i've gotten five emails.

one. Good morning. How are you?....U popped up in my Daily Matches today, and since you're quite a CUTIE, I decided to reach out to you :-)..... After reading and viewing your profile, I liked what I saw and read, other than the bonus of u be'n a CUTIE.....lol... :-).....and I hope you at least like my profile's "Life Poem"....:-).....Ok, well, I'm about to get dressed and head to the gym in a little bit, but I hope to hear back from you soon. Thanks, and have a SUPERB Saturday, and an excellent EASTER weekend! :-)

two. I think I remember from my English lessons oh so many years ago that the opening sentence is supposed to set the tone. That's not a lot of pressure or anything when reaching out to a writer. It's been a bit since I've successfully started up a conversation without any supporting structure so to get the flow going, have you always wanted to be a writer? Also, yes you do have a lovely smile but that doesn't mean everyone is entitled to it. I've been told I have a well-turned calf but you don't see me wearing shorts every day to share it with the world. Yeah, that's not strange at all.

three. You have the prettiest smile and eyes !!!

four. Hi

and finally, the last is in response to a comment i'd left of a picture of tom cruise as maverick in top gun that a guy'd included with his profile photos. all i'd said was that's funny. thanks for making me laugh. also, it's worth mentioning that my profile text is language i've used before, the stuff from this post...

five. High F'ing Five! Somebody gets my humor. You are bit out of my area range, but I read your profile and you are a kickass writer. I was impressed because you express yourself so well, but as a tip do not mention previous relationships. I get it and I appreciate it being a widow, but most guys probably won't. You rock!

i'm a kickass writer, made an impression because i express myself so well, and i rock. the guy who wrote this doesn't seem so bad, unlike the others. he seemed funny; he's tall, and he has black eyes. my grandmother's were black. i've always been fascinated that someone's eyes could be so dark. anyway... he's about three hours from me. i started justifying the distance. i made the mistake of clicking reply and thinking out loud, so to speak. typing without considering the ramifications those characters might have. i wrote the wrong thing. i'm not sure there would've been a right thing. but if i could go back... i'd say something like dude, you're the one who was looking at the profiles of gals who lived some two hundred miles from you. if you don't wanna consider the distance then what the hell made you click on my profile? it's three hours or so; in good weather with a good book or music, that's not so bad a drive.

but... alas... i had to show him the side of me that's more like scaredy squirrel. i like the snarky side so much better.

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