mismatch monday

February 27, 2017

this week on the cupid... maybe the site should change its name to okcrazy. i mean, i'm alright with admitting that i've got my moments. i'm not so sure the other folks on this thing do, though.

twenty-four folks viewed my profile. that decline from seventy-one last week is typical. if you don't change a photo or update some line of text, your mug is lower in the list. ages ranged from nineteen to fifty-seven. four of them are out of state; one of those is from morocco. they've usernames like helloforfun, fairlyuseful, thismanisblack, jonnyhammer75 and conroe77301. one's profile pic is like a mug shot, zoomed in on his right cheek, so all you can see is the bottom half of his eye and half of his mouth; one looks like a school id photo (this is the nineteen-year-old); one's adjusting his tie and collar before a night out on the town; one's got his shirt off and is posing by a rail at the water's edge (he's got a baseball cap on his head so you can't see his face for the shadows, but he's damned proud of his pecs and abs, so much so he's giving you the thumbs up); one's posing in front of his white mustang convertible (this is a fifty-six-year-old, by the way); one's pic is a giant black dot; another's is him on a stage, singing and playing guitar (this is the fifty-seven-year-old; the photo's taken from so far back that all you can see is a man holding the mic and a guitar, and i think he's got a cap on, but i can't tell); one's got a bit from a comic book; one took his profile pic in front of the bathroom mirror, and amazingly enough his shirt's on.

there was one who'd piqued my interest a bit, not because of his profile but because he'd shown in his one-line message to me that he'd actually read mine. so for the profile, you're given prompts. the last one is you should message me if: i wrote: you're a green bay packers fan.

he wrote: i was a fan of aaron rodgers and green bay beating the cowboys butts in dallas.

we chatted for a bit. he seemed alright. and then i got this: it appears i'm reaching the lifetime limit of storage. are you comfortable texting me?

okay. so here's the thing. i've used cupid before. there's really not a lifetime limit of storage, so i thought, that's bullshit, but... i wrote: i would be more comfortable texting you had you prefaced the request with something other than my mailbox is reaching maximum capacity... maybe try that again.

he did. he did better, so we exchanged digits. and we texted for a day. and then i get this: see?!?! my okcupid account is out of storage. in effect useless. i delete useless things. what would have happened if i hadn't informed you of impending doom? 

so i log onto the site, and his profile is no longer... i still have access to the messages he'd sent. there's his username. there's no photo. and that is just too weird to me, so... that's done.

speaking of messages... i got eight this week. one is from a dude with the username mike_deen:

hi,i'm keith ,i must confess you really have a cute face and a lovely smile, i'm sure you hear that everday, i like your profile and would love to have you as my sugar baby if you don't mind. all i want is trust and attention and i promise to spend on you and take good care of you. (i'm reminded of the last dude i dated... i CRINGE.) i'm a busy man, new on the site and seldom come online here..can i have your number if you are interested.

no. no, you may not.

but the winner this week most assuredly goes to spoiledboy, who messaged me twice:

hello ! i am joe. i have been on here for about a month and all i come across are scammers. i am hoping that you might be for real and would hopefully be interested in going out for a nice dinner and some good conversation sometime? i grew up in spring i live in kingwood. i had a son who lived in humble however he is autistic and his mother basically a control freak , made him not like me so i no longer have a son so me living in kingwood is pretty useless however my life is built around my location and all my friends live nearby . i am rambling i know so if you might like to talk and hopefully go out sometime i would love to hear from you. best of luck. joe

a week later, i get this:

i am a pro am bull fighter on days that end in y and a professional ballet dancer in the bathroom as well as a gourmet chef in the kitchen. i have also won over seventeen all you can eat hot wing contest. i went to collage to be a philosopher but ended up being a master machiner. i hope we may be able to talk about going out for dinner sometime. ps i will see you at the mall. just joe.

i'm a little scared to go to the mall now.

1 comment :

  1. Either one of them is his middle name. Or he needs to pick cooler aliases.

    Sam Buca
    Morgan Yud (anagram of random guy)
    Mel Lowe (add the 'e' for subtlety)
    Robin Banks