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mismatch monday

February 20, 2017


before i get into this... how the hell did i miss this awesomesauce?


so let's talk about dating websites, shall we? they are so much fun. the men you find on these things... it's been a while since i blogged about dating. mostly because i'm done with that shit... but the other day, i was chatting with the gals in my critique group and sharing with them some of the high caliber content of the profiles i'd come across. one of them suggested i should blog about this. so i signed back in to okcupid, because i'm not giving another dime to match, and i'm not all that interested in meeting new guys and dating right now... but ranting about them? sure. that sounds fun.

for all you gals who've got a guy and are sometimes not so thrilled by him, let me just remind you what the world looks like for single folks. this is the profile text of one of the match members who'd contacted me when i was a subscriber:

i love to meet new pelope. and i would love too meet new people. imagine big teddy bear. i would love to meet a big lady or man that could keep me warm and i do the same. i love to go for late nights walks on the beach. my parting must love to be pamper and spoil. i'm into licking and kissing my partner feet and toes.

here's another:

this is part of who i am and what i am searching for. i want to be in a growing, mutually satisfying and fulfilling relationship of comfort is certainly my desire. i know myself well and know what qualities that i search for in others be it friends or lovers. so here are some qualities about me: HIV NEGATIVE, successful/profess. athletic; sane, drama free...

this one said he loves reading johanna lindsey's books and is looking for a gal who's fifty to seventy-five years old.

i'm trying really hard not to be picky, yall. i promise. but just so we're clear, toothy, tightassed metrosexuals with annoying voices and potential fetish issues are not the sort of dudes i'd care to date. nor am i interested in narcissistic, temperamental, verbally and emotionally abusive dicks like the last dude i dated.


so this past week on the cupid...

i received twenty-two "messages". i use that term loosely because hi doesn't really count. at least seven of them were from bots, so that cuts it to fifteen. of those, only two had some legitimate semblance of substance. another two were damned near identical and read like this:

hey cute ,my name is john, i must confess you have a nice outlook, i hope you look the same inside, so how long you been on here and what exactly are you looking for?

seventy-one members viewed my profile, ranging in ages from twenty-three to sixty-one. nineteen of them are out of state. they've usernames like magicmike2xl and mackymacky. most of them have their mugs in their main profile photos but a couple of them would rather show off their hotrods and their hot abs. i'm not interested in any of them.

1 comment :

  1. Oh man. I particularly like that that one guy put HIV NEGATIVE in all caps. Having that in your bio is more concerning than not mentioning HIV at all, because there's gotta be a reason he felt the need to disclose that...

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