that thing you know you need to do but really don't want to do because IT WOULD BE SO MUCH WORK and i'd really rather just lay on this here couch and watch a movie

November 21, 2016

i got F A T, yall.

like FAT hobbitses fat.

i don't know what it is with me and lord of the rings, lately. blame it on the film challenge, i guess (THREE MORE and i'm finished with that fucker, by the way. I AM STOKED.)

when i was in high school i was that kid who had like NO fat. seriously. three percent of me was fat. that's how NOT fat i was. and how i was tortured for being so ridiculously skinny, since birth basically. i wasn't that much bigger than smeagol. and yall, i ATE. ALL THE TIME. and when i say i ate, i mean i ATE: burgers and pizza and pasta and all the sweet things i could get my scrawny lil hands on. i'd park my scrawny body on the couch and binge watch star wars and dirty dancing and the breakfast club and binge on premium crackers and kraft american cheese slices and coca-cola. i would snag one of those four towers of crackers wrapped in that white stuff that never opens cleanly, a couple of slices of cheese, a can of coke, and i'd eat the whole package of crackers in one sitting. sometimes i'd get another one.

i did this because i hated being skinny. in high school, when my doctor said i was twenty pounds underweight and that was more unnerving to him than if i were twenty pounds overweight and he insisted i drink ensure three times a day, i did it gladly. sometimes i had more than three.

the trouble is i swam. a LOT. i'd get up at five a.m. and swim as few as three thousand and as many as five thousand meters before school started. when yall were watching the olympics' swimming events this past summer, one length of the pool is fifty meters. i swam breaststroke because it was easiest. in freestyle, i felt like i was drowning. in back, i couldn't swim straight. and fly? you actually have to have back and shoulder muscles to pull that one off. i didn't. but my legs, man they could kick. the fact that my knees were fucked actually helped.

and then i got to college, and they revealed just how messed up they were, and that was the end of swimming for me.

it should've been the end of my dietary habits. it was not.

i was looking over some older posts by lauren, and came across this one called body changes. she'd written it two years ago. i'd missed it.

when i saw that picture, i busted out laughing.

smeagol and gollum:
you should go for a swim.
NO! we hates swimming.
that's not true, you love to swim. 
NO! we swam, and it hurts us. IT HURTS US! it would kill us.

i could make myself swim freestyle. i'm sure my joints could take it. it's essentially forward windmills and a scissor kick. but there's that whole tugging of the lycra thing... and then peeling it off afterward. the tugging and the peeling sucked when that suit was a twenty-seven. it's like a damned forty-two now. it would HURT.

i remember watching the cheerleaders and the drill teams do their thing in pep rallies and wishing i had their curves. and now i have them (though they're built of fat rather than muscle) and i don't want them.

mom's chatting with me about what to make for thanksgiving, and i'm like blueberry banana cream pie.

i cut out the liquor. i've not had an adult beverage in TEN WEEKS. isn't that enough for you, body?


  1. Losing weight is always hard to to. I used to be skinny in high school and hated it. My grandma always told wait until you are 30 you will gain the weight.

  2. Haha! I really do love that picture! I think if I were to ever successfully cut out alcohol I will still gain weight...because I will be pregnant! haha! But you and me both need to get back into the swimming!