it's half past seven on a friday night, on the eve of my forty-first birthday (GOOD GOD. NO. NO. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.) and instead of being out and about, i'm sitting in my living room, enjoying the comfort of my father's recliner, pacifying myself with jeff dunham's spark of insanity. this show makes me giggle SO MUCH. every time i watch it. walter is my favorite.
i'm home tonight for two reasons: a) must work early tomorrow (why i didn't think to request off for this day is beyond me... usually i'm on top of this); b) inclement weather (like the sky is golden in front of the house and black in the back). and there's thunder.
i HATE thunder.
in my twenties i lived in a garage apartment in houston. a wall divided it in half, separating the living area and closet from the kitchen and bath, with an opening on either side of the gas stove (which i never used because i was afraid of setting the place on fire). and every time those afternoon storms came through (pretty much every day in may and june), the place would shake from the gusts, the thunder would rattle the windows, and i'd be hunched in the doorframe between the stove and the commode. EVERY time. i was so certain that the place was gonna get carried off like dorothy's house in the wizard of oz.
lightning doesn't bother me. i see it and think nothing of it. until the thunder reaches me ten seconds later. or two. the two-second kind scares me a helluva lot more than the ten ones.
i've no idea what my fear landscape would look like. what the first thing would be. an approaching tornado, maybe? how the hell would you combat that? run like hell in search of some underground hideout like in where the heart is?
that's not the only thing that scares me. burglars. stalkers. serial killers. rapists. pedophiles. psychopaths. austin. backroads in the dead of night on an empty tank with no cell phone and no cash. failure. success. intimacy. madness. spiders. snakes. wasps. bees. cockroaches. fire. earthquakes. small spaces. vampires. werewolves. zombies. darkness. roller coasters.
excessive speed. one time i made myself go a hundred miles an hour on an empty hardy toll road. just to see if i could do it. and the moment i hit that mark, i didn't speed for weeks after.
heights. the other day, i stood on the balcony of the moody theater, clutching the metal rail, my legs like a foot away from the glass barrier. i looked in both directions, but i could only handle quick glances. and bending at the waist--a fraction, mind you--so i could get a better look made me break out in a sweat.
that bit in abram's star trek where kirk and sulu are camped out on that drill's platform in an effort to shut it off? that scene where kirk stands just at the edge, looking down below? every time i watch that i cringe. and i've watched it a LOT.
how many is that? twenty-eight. jesus, i'm a pansy.
i took a fear landscape quiz. it recommended i go bungee jumping.
yeah. like that's gonna EVER happen.
my friends went skydiving once. i waited for them at the portable building and watched their descent on the television.
i'm pretty sure i wouldn't last the first practice round in dauntless' mental training. my poor heart would just give out. in seconds.