the rock and the hard place

August 16, 2013

there's football coverage on the tube. the browns and the lions. bah.

the sky, a pale and dusty blue today, is smattered with white.

it's not unbearably hot out yet.

i got my spot at the bar. one of the managers bought me lunch today. so there's a plate of fries to my left and a glass of dr. pepper to my right. my manuscript to the right of that. my mac before me. my darth vader backpack at my feet. and the copy of eleanor and park that i sporadically thumb through.

i'm so close to done. so close. been that way all summer. been that way because for some reason, i can't quite finish it.

i think it's cause i'm scared.

there's so little left to do, really. a scene here and there. just to tie up the loose ends. it wouldn't take more than a week to write'm. i should've had this shit finished years ago. years. god knows my life would be so much better if i could just. finish. the. damned. thing.

so today, i'm tinkering with query letters and whatnot, in hopes that maybe if i got an agent's attention, that would be the impetus i needed to complete the few scenes left.

but writing an agent, for me, is like sending a resume and a cover letter to a potential employer.

it's like walking up to a stranger and asking that person to be a friend.

it's the worst kind of vulnerability, really, asking someone to like you.

and i almost always strike out at that crap.

when it comes to my characters, i've heard from a few people that they like august better than isabel. that'd be all fine and good then, if august's story came first. but it doesn't.

i'm scared. and i'm tired.

last night, when i finished reading that book, i was certain i could do better. and made a plan that when i woke, i was going straight to pappadeaux's and sending out twenty queries. and i would do this every day i had free until someone somewhere said, alright, sure, i'll take you on.

i'm a pretty tenacious chick. so it's not the sending out the queries that concerns me. really. i'm pretty confident that what i've written is worth reading. it's knowing that after i hit send, and i go back, i'll see something i did wrong. and that one thing will overshadow everything good in my work.

it always has in the past. why should i believe it won't now?

and, yes, i proof it before i send it. it's just that i always miss stuff.

i'm scared. and i don't want to be.

and i know i'm not supposed to shop it unless it's perfect, but me and isabel, we could each use a kick in the ass.

1 comment :

  1. Good luck, dear girl! I sincerely hope you find an agent soon! :-)