ninth and eighteenth

October 28, 2010

the topic of today's challenge post is regret. i could write a thousand words on this one, but i won't. it doesn't do any good. i can't change any of it. i can't go back to my childhood self and say love you. i can't go back to those days of torment and stand up instead of sit down. i can't go back to the day when i chose cottey over a & m. i can't go back to borders in stafford and stay there instead of going to san antonio. i can't fix things with adam. can't fix things with casey. can't fix things with my brother.

because i was supposed to learn something from each of those moments, those people.

maybe all that criticism i received as a child taught me the importance of critiquing my work. it should be perfect. i should be horribly harsh when it comes to examining every word of every chapter i write. because it has to be perfect for the reader. otherwise, she's gonna be furious at forking over twenty bucks for crap. how many times have yall picked up a book from one of your favorite authors who churns them out and wished they'd been a little bit better? seriously. 

maybe all that criticism will help me help my niece and nephew when they receive it themselves. the boy's got the griffin genes for pale skin and long, scrawny legs, folks. the girl's got a huge sensitive spot.

if i had gone to a & m, i wouldn't have gotten to meet so many different women from all over the world. i probably wouldn't've come out of my shell, either (except on game days, of course).

if i hadn't gone to san antonio, i wouldn't have met some of my better friends. and i wouldn't have left borders to go to barnes & noble and meet my even better friends swissy (a.k.a. keli), who reminded me of how much i love aggieland, and katy and ali, who give off so much light, it's contagious. :]

meet swissy, circa high school.

i wasn't supposed to fix things with either adam or casey because they weren't the right boys for me.

and my brother... a month or so before he died, i'd come home from san antonio for a long weekend or something and he'd been there. and he and i had gotten along really well. so well that my brother, with a broad grin on his face, had exclaimed to my mother as he'd left to go back to his apartment that he and i'd not fought once. 

we normally fought all the time. mostly because i was so angry with and disappointed in him.

it would've been nice to have heard the wonder and joy in his voice, to have seen it on his face. 

but i get to imagine it. and that's enough.

this ended up being a matlock project. learn about that here.


  1. Honesty and good writing. Great combo today.

  2. Anonymous12:00 AM

    So true. We can't go back and fix things, but sometimes the things we would fix have helped make us who we are. Thanks for sharing!

  3. Can't think of a word for brave beginning with f. I wish I could!

  4. Very honest writing. Visiting from Jenny's link up.

  5. I get very tired of "formula" writing. The first couple of books may be fine, but after a while, you only have to read the first chapter to know the whole plot.

    You certainly write very well!!!

  6. I was just talking about regrets yeterday. How some people wallow in them and some learn from them. There's no point in wallowing because you're right, if it wasn't for those decisions then none of us would be where we are and who we are today.

    Love the bit about authors. So true!

  7. I, too, lost my brother at a young age. I was 19. He was 18. I was with him the night before he died so I truly understand your deep regret. Thank you for your honest sharing. I'm glad I dropped by.

  8. Anonymous11:18 AM

    We have a saying where I come from that translates into not letting yesterday steal time from today. You are who you are because of the valleys you've walked through. That's where live is learned. Awesome post.

  9. Regrets. They can be a killer.

    Buy the alternative is to live so safely within yourself that you take no risks...and find no rewards.

    I love the rawness of your writing. It is so stream of consciousness...and it makes me want to hug you.

    Thank you for linking to Alphabe-Thursday.

    This was a very thoughtful post.