you again

i should know better than to watch grey's anatomy when i've had boys on the brain.

this is what i hate about relationships, regardless of the type. they're never really over. you might not see or speak to the person involved anymore, for whatever reason. but somewhere, deep in the recesses of your noggin, the thing you loved about that person, the thing you loathed about him or her, whomever he or she was, your brain has stored a file of sorts that has been stamped as read only. it won't be deleted, no matter how you might try to kill it.

that movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind? sometimes i really do wish there was a way to wipe the slate.

i shouldn't watch grey's when i've had days like this.

the title of the season premiere was with you i'm born again. good grief.

and then i remembered what it felt like, those first few weeks, months of dating someone new. that's really nice.

i got to see me at my best. she's beautiful, really. that girl. i have such a strong recollection of the lightness of my being. on days like this, it hurts me to remember her.

this boy that i've been emailing...i'm not excited to be talking with him. he doesn't do anything for me. so why do i keep talking to him? i don't know. i guess mostly because i've yet to determine if he's a wistley or a lefroy. but i gotta tell ya, i'm leaning more toward the former than the latter. why? because we've been emailing for two months. i'm pretty sure lefroy wouldn't tolerate that crap. i haven't the slightest idea why i am.

i'm not bashing love again. i love love. it's grand. i just wish when she came around, she stayed a while longer. 

christina's chatting with the shrink whose job it is to determine which surgeons were eligible to be doing the cutting after dealing with the grieving psycho that terrorized the hospital a few months back. the thing that's consuming her thoughts? her upcoming wedding. she says something about how she used to hate the girls whose only wishes in life were to find that one guy and marry him. she hated them for being simple. 

as if finding that one guy is so easy to do. as if maintaining a lasting relationship with him is cake. why do people have to belittle this? not that all i want for myself is that. i know better.

i wish i could meet a guy who, when i put up my defenses, fought to cut them down.