i thought the purpose of glasses...

March 24, 2010

...was to fix your vision so it was pretty near perfect again. i forked over three hundred dollars, after insurance (which i doubt i have anymore, so i guess i'm glad that i ordered the silly things a month ago). i picked them up today. the store had been waiting for me to pick the glasses up for three weeks. supposedly my sales associate left me a message on the fifth. i never got it.

can i just say i wish i had the face that would let me have the quasi-funky glasses? or that i wish i had the type of personality that could pick the quasi-funky glasses despite the face?

but since i don't. i got some glasses that are kind of cool and classy. if glasses could be such a thing. they're made by banana republic. they've plastic frames. wire ones don't look good on me. the frames appear to be brown from the distance, but really they're maroon. in a certain light they look almost red.

i'm so self-conscious about my eyes. three surgeries on them alone will do that to you. and even something so simple as needing reading glasses isn't simple with me. i can't just go and buy a pair of plus ones at the drugstore for twenty bucks or so.

no. no with me, everything's an ordeal. can i tell you how much i wish that weren't the damned case?

okay, so maybe i'm more than a little irritated by this.

it's just that when i fork over the hundreds of dollars i can't really afford to fork over right now (i'd already forked over half of it, and filling out applications that are written in six-point font's kind of a bitch), i expect it to be worth it.

i'd hoped that it would be simple. easy. put the glasses on and your eyes won't hurt you anymore.

i should've known better.

it was weird putting them on, by the way. so weird. for a second, it felt like i could see in three-d. i knew i couldn't, of course, but the perspective i did have changed a little. or at least it seem to do so.

but that was just for the left eyeball. that one's happy enough.

the right one, though...that one sees better without the glasses. that one would rather i not wear them.

and, of course, it's the right one that's constantly, constantly hurting.

when i was in art class in junior high and we were doing printmaking, we'd use this tool, and i don't remember what it's called...a grouter, maybe?...anyway, we'd use it to dig out strips from this material we'd use to make the prints. i don't remember what that stuff's called either. my right eye feels like someone's taking a grouter and carving out the part of my eye that's between the eyeball and the nose. a semicircle of constant suckiness.

i was SO hoping that the glasses would fix that. but instead, they make everything bigger, but blurrier. and the pain's still there.

of course. why would it be simple?

i was watching castle earlier, and i have to say, if they've killed off kate, i'm gonna be really, really pissed. almost as pissed as i am at my stupid glasses' inability to make my eyeballs happy.

past weeks' wisdom

March 23, 2010

let love be without hypocrisy. abhor
what is evil. cling to what is good. be kindly
affectionate to one another with brotherly love,
in honor giving preference to one another; not
lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the
lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation,
continuing steadfastly in prayer (romans 12:9-12).

cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
do not fret--it only causes harm.
for evildoers shall be cut off;
but those who wait on the lord,
they shall inherit the earth (psalm 37:8-9).

being confident of this very thing, that he
who has begun a good work in you will
complete it until the day of jesus christ (phillippians 1:6).

my kabuki

March 12, 2010

today's tunes are brought to you by the eagles, third eye blind, three doors down, hootie and the blowfish and garth brooks.

mama says this one reminds her of you.

these things that are pleasing you
can hurt you somehow...
now it seems to me some fine things

have been layed upon your table
but you only want the ones
that you can't get...
your prison is walking
through this world all alone
don't your feet get cold in the wintertime
the sky won't snow, and the sun won't shine
it's hard to tell the nighttime from the day...
come down from your fences
let somebody love you
before it's too late

it was a four-hour drive from my apartment to the folks' house. this was on repeat the whole way home.

the god of wine
there's another chip you haven't spent
and you're cashing them all in...
the alchohol, it permeates
and soon the cells give way
and cancels out the day...
every glamourous sunrise
throws the planets out of line
a star sign out of whack
a fraudulent zodiac...
you let me down

and since you've left us, every time i hear here without you, i think of you. i heard it at one this morning. as if i needed the reminder.

at three a.m. when the cops were calling mom and dad, i was in my apartment cleaning out my cds and came across this one.

not even the trees
someone please talk to me
cause i feel you cry
and you're sitting with him
and i know i'll never see you again...
and i wanna know if it's true
when he looks at me, won't you tell me
does he realize the pain i'm in
he took you too soon
and now my days are short
and my nights are long...
and it makes me wonder
as i sit and stare
will i see your face again
tell me, do you care...
and right now i just can't see
cause i'm feeling weak
and my soul begins to bleed
and no one's listening to me
not even the trees

mama says this one makes her think of you, too. it makes me think of her thinking of you.

i spent the morning thinking
about the ones the wolves pulled down...
lord, please shine a light of hope
on those of us who fall behind
and when we stumble...
could you help us up while there's still time...
i don't mean to be complaining, lord
you always see me through
and i know you've got your reasons
for each and everything you do
but tonight outside my window
there's a lonesome mournful sound
and i just can't keep from thinking
about the ones the wolves pull down

prayer for those in need of respect

March 6, 2010

most merciful god,
there are many in this city
who hate themselves
who consider their lives worthless
who have not known the healing of love
touch them with the wonder
and the power of your transforming love
that their lives may be may whole
that they find fulfillment in life
that they my rejoice in your blessing (vienna cobb anderson).

this week's wisdom

March 3, 2010

therefore strengthen the hands which hang
down, and the feeble knees (hebrews 12:12).

and last week's

but we urge you brethren...that you also
aspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own
business, and to work with your own hands, as
we commanded you, that you may walk
properly toward those who are outside, and
that you may lack nothing (1 thessalonians 4:10-12).